I Lost My Love For Medicine…Again.

The other day I was finishing a project for my internship, we have to do a video for our internship, mine was on the reliability of research studies when one of the video directors tell me, “We need you to redo it because you say the word CRAP in it.” I stared at him perplexed, and answered “ what..??” He told me again, “ We should change it because you used the word crap” Well…I changed it. Right then and there I made up another script and props and in 4 hours we were done. During that whole time I wanted to punch someone, I actually did step outside and held myself together to not punch the wall lol but I thought there are videos they are making saying worst things, showing worst things, creating these connotations about race, but nope mine was worse because I said CRAP.  This happened to me all summer. “Maria, why didn’t you go to the seminar, Maria why didn’t you send this, Maria why didn’t you do this, Maria Maria Maria.” I tried hard, to do everything right but in this internship I felt that even if I tried to do something right all I was going to hear was, “ Maria why didn’t you…”

Slowly my motivation this summer started to fall. I went from being motivated to do my video to finding it as such a headache. First it was my video, then it was my research project, and then my paper.  I will not lie, sometimes I felt like going up to my director and telling her that I had no motivation at all, that I felt that no matter how hard I tried I was never going to earn respect, I was never going to be told, good job, and on top of it all, all the people who did not even do half of what I did were patted on the back and celebrated. About a week ago I was sitting in the cafeteria of the hospital when I felt my heart rate increase, I could barely breath, everything started to look blurry, I grabbed my laptop and left outside. As I walked everything looked so blurry, everyone sounded so muffled. When I got outside I went to a corner where nobody could see me and broke crying I couldn’t stop, I cried till I felt nothing. I then sat down and thought…why…why should I try, this career is screwing me over…even if I try I won’t be told good job, I will even be rejected even though I was told if I did try I wouldn’t be. I started to lose my love for medicine. Today in the morning I received an email, the email that just made me question my whole career. It was from someone who I looked up to very much, he taught me about 80% of what I know of medicine, and the one who told me that no matter what people told me, to do what I want to do. The email was a rejection email. I couldn’t believe it, I felt literally screwed over and that love for medicine turned around. I wanted to go to my director and tell her I felt like hell, that it didn’t matter what I tried to be, I won’t be given a pat on the back but the girl who wears booty shorts to lab and seminars and students who barely have their project finished will. It is one week before the internship ends and 2 days ago I thought, I am not going to go to the internship ceremony, I am not going to go to the last seminars, I am not going to give out thank you cards this year, why should I, whether I go or not it will be “Maria why didn’t you…” everyone thinks I am stuck up because I am busy and am trying to do my best, I was trying to be a daughter, sister, mom, student, intern, and everything else on earth but today… I decided I am going to go to the seminars, to the ceremony and give out thank you cards because at the end of the day I am responsible for me. Many people and careers, in this case medicine, will try to screw you over, especially medicine. Medicine is such a hard and rigorous career that sometimes you lose yourself in it. You slowly become more cynical, cold, you forget where you came from and how you started. Many doctors forget that they too were a student once, that they too were fighting to hold on tight. Don’t forget that. After that email I was ready to forget all that, to forget that the reason I love medicine, specifically surgery, is because it is an art, an art used to save lives. And if I didn’t go to the seminars, didn’t go to the ceremony didn’t say thank you, then I would lose my morals and values and on the way forget why I started.

So guess what, you ARE going to question yourself if you really do love medicine, and way more than once, and if you do congratulate yourself that means you are taking the time to step back and reflect. It’s sad… and frustrating knowing that medicine is hard as it is, and that some people put more obstacles then there already is but, that’s one of the debts one must pay in this career. So, if you think you lost your love for medicine, go grab a tea, read a book, and later that day ask yourself does the ugly side outweigh the good side, because in whatever career you go in there will be an ugly side, so it’s figuring out if that ugly side is worth your while. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU DO YOU.

 

Yours truly,

Marvalous Premed 007

 

 

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