Yesterday my brother came. I am always excited for my brother to come because well he is my brother, but yesterday I had a weird set of feelings. As he sat talking to my mother of all of his exciting things happening in 1 month I thought to myself, what am I doing? For a moment I felt stagnant in life, like if I had not done anything. Luckily it was night time, so I thought I will sleep on it, didn’t work. The next day the same thing raced in my head, what am I doing, have I done something? I have, but at that moment I could not see it. I was stressed and occupied in my mind all day to the point that my mom got upset with me and started to yell at me. That same day my brother’s sister in law was going to have her bridal shower. Great…I went and the only thing I could think of was the same thing, what have I done? On top of that I thought of marriage, and it felt so so so distant. When the bride came walking in my mom started to tear up…and she said “it’s because I thought of you, one day you will walk down that line, one day it will be you.” In a way I felt like I had let down my mom because that is the last thing I think of, my life is medicine, it is my career and my family that is my sister and mom and dad. That whole day I felt like I had done nothing in my life, and for a moment I thought how long can I take this, this delayed gratification of medicine how long…. I went in the car and could not stop crying, I was to histerical so I parked somewhere and cried and cried and screamed, “I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I can’t!” after about 10 minutes it started to come back to me, all I have done, my internships, my decisions, my advancement, I am applying to med school, I am graduating in a year with my bachelors and… I am only 20, I have my family, I have done something with myself.
One of the biggest obstacles with such a long career hence the medical career is that, delayed gratification. We see everyone advancing, our friends get married, have kids, they already have their top notch job, they travel more than you have in your lifetime, it makes us feel like we have done nothing and blurs out what we have done. That day I had to cry, like a child, I had to cry, scream, throw papers, pencils, to be able to realize, wait… I am doing something, I have done things. Delayed gratification can be, to put is simple, a pain in the a**. Always remember to say what your major goal is, so you don’t get that blurred vision. Always do you and don’t let other put you down 🙂