Mistakes and Problems of Our Life

Yesterday I was fine, I went downtown with a friend, we watched a movie. It was a great time… I do this things where every time a problem comes in my life I always try to be as positive as possible. Whether it is that my mom has something going on with my sister, or that one of my brother and I aren’t talking anymore or anything from school…I always try to see an exit towards it. But we all have that one thing that makes us fall. That one small problem that you break and question why, why me, I thought I was doing it right, or something that wasn’t even your fault, it just happened. Just like that. During these times is also the moment where you realize either how many friends you have or how little. Today I realized…how little friends I have, the magnitude of my actual problems and how exhausted I am. Funny enough it was the smallest problem that threw me down. I was going to order my books for FALL 2015 when I see 2 summer classes on my list. What…I thought..I already got out of them, I was de-registered. I go on black board to find 3 0s… I was hysterical and started shaking, I called my adviser but she didn’t have much to say, because she is my adviser at my university, not community college, because I am in both for this semester. So now I wait till tomorrow. But when that happened I rushed to the shower and broke crying, not only because of that single problem but because I realized several things, how little people I feel confident to actually call in a crisis, the magnitude of my actual problems, and the magical question of why…why God…why if I am only trying to fix this.Last school year was not the best. And that is the mess I am trying to clean up and I am trying to start over. Last year, I moved out from home. I came to university and was ecstatic until I realized how much I missed my family. I am the one that tries to cover things, like how I feel. I put this shield over myself and I don’t realize what is wrong till I see bad results in something. My shield was ironically being in surgery and seeing patients. I had more patients than any undergrad should have, and similar neurosurgical hours to a 1 year resident, along with being the research coordinator of a worldwide project in orthopedic surgery and on trauma call every now and then. Because I was helping and learning how to save lives that was my excuse to saying I was doing something..I still did good in my grades…but got my first C’s of my life, mentally I was broken, and I just felt like I let everyone down. I faced my errors and took the fault, like I should. I learned several things from this past year, first of all, the value of my family. My sister was going through such a hard time because I was not home, she was diagnosed with epilepsy, my mom was alone and though having a sibling over there with her, it was like I didn’t…So I asked myself what am I doing here. So far away, when I could do this right next to my family. Yeah I will be criticized because I am not at main campus and am coming back to a small town versus a bigger city where I was in the division of neurosurgery, but my family and mental stability matter more than rumors and how people feel of me. I also realized that I need to face my problems, and that nothing will ever be certain. We just plan, and let God take the wheel. When I started my year at the University I was in the military, I had all my next 3 years planned for me. Until I left the Army because they wanted to cancel my educational dismissal for medical school, then I was a mess. Those 3 years that I planned went down the drain. I was so lost with nobody I knew. It was hell. Between my family, and school and life hitting me, it was hell. it was hard trying to put the pieces back together and figure out who I was, and how to fix this, because I don’t want to make the same mistakes. So I changed my major, headed back home, decided to go back to my psychologist and decided to go little by little. I learned patience…sometimes we want to finish university as fast as we can to get to medical school or any graduate school but sometime we go so fast, so fast, that we forget why we first started, how we first started or where we stand. That also happened to me. I forgot who I was, where I was. I am getting a fresh start now, accepting my faults, fixing them, and apologizing to everyone who I let down. When I saw this problem today come up, that I have been in summer classes this whole time when I had no idea I broke..I thought why…I am trying to fix things why..why is this happening to me, then I realized the problem that I am no longer speaking to one of my siblings, my mom is going through a tough time because my sister’s epilepsy is worse..and she only has me, distantly…Today I just told myself…I want to go home..I miss my mom. I want to go home. For now…I wait. Wait to see what happens..learn from my mistakes and promise myself I won’t give up. That everyday is a new start. We don’t have to wait for a new years day, or a Monday, or next week, that everyday is a new start. Just always remember to learn before you start that new start because if not you’ll find yourself in the same spot again. Everything happens for a reason though sometimes we have no idea what that reason is, we will soon. Yours truly, Marvalous Premed

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